Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
