This house was built for laser tag.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
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Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
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I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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