I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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