She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
