You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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