i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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