If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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