The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
