i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
