Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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