There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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