I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
