he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
