I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
40s are totally the cure
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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