conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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