i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
