I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
