Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
