Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
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she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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