You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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