he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
