Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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