Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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