You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
