We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
