How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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