Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
