Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
