So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
