Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
