I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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