i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
