She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
