I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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