The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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