come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
