I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
