I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
