a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
