2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
