My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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