Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I made him laugh his dick is mine
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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