So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
