He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
