youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
