i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
