My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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