so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
