If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
