if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
