My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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