well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
