I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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