That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
