i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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