I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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